I heard my mom's voice today. She was calling my name. Telling me to smile.I also heard her talking to my sisters. Telling them how to decorate the Christmas tree. I saw her holding my sisters as babies. I even heard her shout out at about getting something or another done.
We are going through pictures and videos to make something for mom's memorial next week, so I've been watching videos as far back as my 2nd birthday, long before I even lived here and long before she was sick, and to as recent as this last Christmas.
I didn't realize how hard this would be. I am not particularly sad. I just miss her. I feel some kind of regret that my mom won't be around anymore. She'll never see me graduate, get married. She'll never be a grandmother. Not just for me though, my siblings too. Will my brother remember mom when he's my age? Or will it just be stories of her? I know my step-dad is going to get especially close to him since he's the last and the one who will still be around the most.
What is going to happen to my family. the elder of my two sisters seems to deal with all of this by getting out and staying with her friends as much as possible. Not that she's trying to rebel (necessarily...), although it sometimes seems like that to me. She's been really helpful this week while at home though. I can somehow see her kinda taking up the mothering role, but at the same time, I can see her using that against the younger one, who's a bit more timid  More like me.
I wonder, will my Step-dad remarry? I know this isn't on his mind right now, but how can someone stand to be alone in that position? I can't stand to be alone ever since living with my ex. It just feels like there's not a lot to live for. At least I have the "live for the future" excuse. He's been married and has kids. I guess he has the "live for your kids" thing, but what happens when the rest of the kids grow up and move out. How do people deal with it? There has to be something to pour your energy into.
Well, I'm about 3 hours late to meet everyone to discuss the memorial so I should probably get moving. So not looking forward to this.... Chin up! Smile! Ok. I'm ready.

Ahh... and despite all my stressing last week about finals, I did basically as I expected. My final grades? A C- in Discrete Mathematics (although I'm disappointed with the grade overall, I probably earned much lower) and an A- in Etymology. An A-!!!! That's my first A anything since I've been in Davis. I'm very excited about that. Nevertheless I still needa B in a class of my major, so I'm taking summer session 2 as well. I started this week. Good luck to me!